The Birds and the Bees
by gonegirlmyself
Summary: After picking up girls downtown one day, Two-Bit thinks it's time for Pony to get lectured on the finer points of fooling around with girls. Based on a moment described on page 35 of The Outsiders. One-shot. NSFW language. Word Count: 2,443


**A/N. I just wanted to say thank you to anyone who has liked and reviewed my stories. I appreciate it so so much. I'm not the greatest at updating, but I will try to keep on doing it (and I haven't forgotten about part II of my Dallas x Johnny two-shot either. I'll eventually get to it)**

Disclaimer: I do not own The Outsiders

"I got the same lecture from Two-Bit after we'd **picked up a couple of girls** downtown one day…And it really had been funny, because **Two-Bit was half-crocked** when he gave me the lecture, and **he told me some stories that about made me want to crawl under the floor or something.** "  
Page 35

 **CW: foul language, NSFW.**

xxx

"Watch and learn, kid. You get the honour of observin' the shark swimmin' in busty, short-skirted waters."  
"You crocked, Two-Bit?"  
"Only half."

He should have known already, but sometimes Ponyboy likes to make a game of guessing.

Two-Bit swaggers forward. He's been eyeing the girls for the last two minutes, throwing them smiles, and picking up on their signals.  
He's cocksure as ever.

"You got a real cute smile, Red. Got a name to go with it?"

Okay, so it isn't his best line, but Two-Bit figures that after a weekend long hangover, he can forgive himself for pulling out his c-game. Besides, if one of the girls laughs, or even smiles, he knows he has a shot.

And, as if all the stars have aligned in his favour, the redhead giggles shamelessly, her voice echoing in the all but empty QuikTrip. That's all the indication Two-Bit the half-crocked shark needs.

He slouches to keep from letting the booze do their job of tipping him off his equilibrium.

"Patty. An' this here is Thelma," she says.

"O, Patty, you say? Patty's a good girl's name. You a good girl? Or you one of the fun ones?" He winks, and Patty the redheaded good girl gives him a light, teasing shove.

"Can't a girl be both?"  
"Not in my experience." It isn't true, of course, but Two-Bit bellows on for the sake of flirty banter.  
"Well, I'm both."  
"Well, then I'm gonna need your number."  
She bites her bottom lip and smiles.  
"How else am I supposed to know you ain't lyin' about bein' fun? I gotta take you out and find out for myself, Patty." Two-Bit grins from ear to ear.

 _C'mon, take the bait, Red. We could have ourselv-_

"Who's your little friend, there?"

He flashes Thelma a look.

 _Could your timin' be any worse, Blondie?_

The blonde blows a gum bubble that pops curiously loudly, startling Ponyboy out of whatever daze he's been willing himself into.

He steps forward and throws a sheepish smile at the two.

Thelma the blonde's eyes light up as Two-Bit looks on with newly peaked amusement.

 _Little shit's hookin' 'em in early._

"Name's Ponyboy Curtis."

Patty the redhead giggles again as Ponyboy fights off the urge to roll his eyes to the back of his head.

"You're real cute. You got any lines for us like your friend here?" Thelma asks with a coy smile.

Before he can open his mouth to mutter out a more earnest response than she's anticipating, Two-Bit cuts in.

"Lines? Kid's got more lines than a football field at the rate he reads. Only, see,"and he grips Pony's shoulder for emphasis, "kid's real quiet. He's one of those silent, brooding types. But it's cause he's real romantic, Blondie. He'll buy ya flowers, take ya for a moonlit stroll along the lake, an' recite you poetry from one of them books written by those old dead sissy's. He's real smooth that way. Smooth as freshly churned butter, this one is. I reckon when Romeo eventually hits puberty in a cou-"

But that's all of Two-Bit's mouth Ponyboy's ears can endure.

"At the rate you're talkin', we'll be walkin' outta here with canes instead of Kools," he grumbles

Thelma rings out a high-pitched laugh as Ponyboy's ears turn a curious shade of crimson.

Two-Bit cocks an eyebrow at him. "Ah, the kid's real _mouthy_ too," he says, while ducking a half-hearted shove from Pony. "We reckon he'll grow outta it eventually."

The girls smile. Patty takes Two-Bit's hand in hers, and scribbles down a phone number with the pen she grabbed from her purse.

"Call me sometime," she coos, brushing past him towards the exit. "I wouldn't mind you takin' me out."  
Thelma looks between the two boys, then smirks.  
"And bring your little friend next time, too."

xxx

"Sit down, kid. C'mon. Sit down. I gotta talk to you." Two-Bit takes another swig from his flask. And as if guessing the thought behind Pony's expression, he rolls his eyes. "It's the long weekend, kid, gotta live a little."

He closes it up and puts it back into his pocket, taking out a comb in its place. He runs it through his hair as Pony sits on the bench in front of him.

"What's this about, Two-Bit?" he asks, shoving his fists into the pockets of his hoodie.

Two-Bit shows him the ink scribbled onto his palm. "It's about phone numbers." He smirks a self-satisfied sort of smirk before continuing. "Phone numbers an' pretty little broads who blow gum bubbles at naive, greasy punks." He kisses his palm, and throws Pony the pack of Kools he lifted.  
"Light up, Curtis," he says in an obnoxious falsetto, "today your ol' pal is gonna talk to you about the birds an' the bees."

A silent curse passes Ponyboy's lips. "O, no you don't, Two-Bit. I ain't a baby. I know all about that shit," he says, ears pinching red. But he knows that once Two-Bit gets started, it's hard to talk him down. He's kind of like Soda that way.

"Watch your language, young man," the older greaser mock scolds. He fixes the collar of his black leather jacket and eyes the kid curiously. "You're gonna have more broads linin' up in front of you than Soda does in a couple o' years. So listen up, kid." He clears his throat dramatically. "When a man's attracted to a woman... Or when a woman's attracted to a woman. Or when a man's attracted to a man, or when-"  
"I get it, Two-Bit!"  
"When people are sexually attracted to each other, most of the time, they'll end up bangin.' It can't be helped. Don't tell your pastor I told you that, kid." Two-Bit scratches a spot on his throat. "But I'm gonna talk to you specifically about them girls. And you know me. I like teachin' through example, so lemme tell you about Tommy Cowan."  
"That guy that tends bar at OConnell's?"  
"That's the one." Two-Bit chuckles. "Ah, that poor, stupid fucker. I was in there the other day an' the guy looked like he'd been holdin' in his damn shit for three days, his face was so red and tight. O lord. Anyway, he took Sally Hennings out on another nice little date. Just him, her and the back seat o' his Lincoln. Now, he puts on a condom, 'cause he's dumb but he ain't that dumb. But the guy's havin' so much fun, that he almost don't even realize when it breaks on him. _Almost._ So, he blasphemes the good lord's name, and tries to push himself off her. Wanna know what she does, kid? She wraps her legs 'round him tight and tells him to cum in her...to fuckin' spill his seed and fertilize them eggs so they can create little blonde-headed monsters as dumb as the two of 'em. Can you believe that? ' _O, cum in me, Tommy, I swear we won't regret it nine months from now_.'" Two-Bit shakes his head and snorts out. "So, he panics, and whips himself out of her stranglehold on his Johnson. And then he zips his pants up so fast he almost rips it straight off. And you know what? She's late anyway! And now their folks are pressurin' 'em to get married. But that's what happens, kid. You can't just string a broad like her along an' not expect her turn it around on you. Tommy's a damn fool."

Ponyboy shifts uncomfortably in his seat, finally lighting up a cigarette, and wishing for all the world he was with Johnny at the arcade. Two-Bit leans to one side, steadying himself from the alcohol spiking up in his blood.  
But he isn't done.

"Never cum in a girl, Pony. No matter how much she's beggin' you for it. No matter how much your dick is beggin' you for it. Shoot. You're gonna wanna cum in her. You're gonna wanna blow your load all over her, especially when she's so damn wet. Glory! You know how many times I've looked down at Kathy when I'm inside her and thought, _baby, you'd look so good covered in my cum_. A lotta times. Actually, one time I said it out loud an' she smacked me upside the head. We weren't even fuckin' then either. Hell, we ain't been christenin' sheets for a week now, but she'll come around. She always does. Anyway, you gotta wear a condom, kid. If you can't find one, blow your load in the shower like every other kid your age. Or, or at least don't bust in her. Keep that shit contained. That is some sacred sperm. That sperm's gonna create tiny little shitheads with weird ass names one day. They're all gonna be beautiful, wiseass, greasy hoods. But I don't wanna be uncle Two-Bit anytime soon. My Chevy ain't reliable enough for that."

Ponyboy sits there, silent, wondering how the conversation ever got so far. It's to be expected with Two-Bit, though-thought puddles pouring over into thought rivers that spread out into an ocean of uncomfortable.  
He's almost unsure whether he should speak up, sensing that Two-Bit has more on his mind.  
Two-Bit stretches his arms over his head and cracks out a kink in his neck. "Pass me a kool, kid," he says. When he has it between his fingers, he continues.  
"Those girls, today. Well, they were tuff girls. Our kind. Unapologetic for who they are. But bubble gum popping Thelma can eat a kid like you alive. Patty? She's lookin' for a good time, like me. But Thelma? Well, she's lookin' for trouble. It's a look in her eye, you know? A flash. I seen it before in dozens of hoods and broads. Our own Dally's eyes flash trouble every damn wakin' moment. The guy breathes trouble 'stead o' oxygen. But that ain't the point. What was the point?..O, trouble. Right. Anyway, she reminded me of Jessica Andrews. Now, Jessica can probably give Sylvia a run for her money...no, I'm kidding, kid. Sylvia would fillet her ass. But still, the broad is trouble. So, she's been runnin' around on Jake Wellings with Troy Baker, who's runnin' around on Amy Greeson. It's a clusterfuck of a mess, ain't it? They were caught together breakin' in a rusty old bed at Buck's two Saturdays ago. A source tells me that she'd been sweet talkin' him, telling him about how much she can't stand Jake, and before he can get his head outta his dick, she's pullin' him upstairs, whisperin' shit in that raspy voice that gets us all hard like, ' _O, Troy, I need a real man to fuck me. Jake's weenie is so small that when he stands next to a cherry tomato, I can't tell them a part. O fuck me. O please, fuck me, with your giant, Olympus sized coc-_ '"

Two-Bit chokes on the ill-conceived idea of blowing in smoke while speaking in falsetto. He coughs slightly, doubling over dramatically, while Pony gapes at him, still dumbstruck by the whole conversation.

After a second, he regains his composure, and throws his buddy a shit-eating grin.  
"Well, you get the picture. Anyway, they're matin' like bunnies, an' they ain't bein' quiet about it. And guess what? A buddy o' Jake's had spotted them walkin' in the place together an' told the hood right away. Wellings comes in, ready to turn the guy into canned tuna. But what happens is better, kid. Listen. They're in there, moaning like dying cats. Probably somethin' along the lines of, ' _O, mommy-I mean, Jessica. I'm about to explode. I shoulda wore a condom. Spank me for my idiocy, O please! Spank me, mo-Jessica.'_ Yeah. That's probably how it happened."

Pony's eyes go wide, and he fidgets with the cigarette in his mouth. He looks around distractedly to see if anyone's listenin' in on the conversation. Two-Bit never was one to care much for decorum.

"The guy's-well anyway,Jake crashes into the room, just as he's about to blow his load all over her. The guy is caught like a deer in headlights. He's frozen with his dick in her, and he doesn't have time to react before Jake grabs him by the neck and pulls him off, pressing himself against the naked fuckin' idiot. But guess what? Before he can even punch the guy, Troy busts his damn nuts all over Jake's crotch. I swear, kid! People were crowded aroun' and they all tell me the same thing. I got reliable sources: Troy Baker came all over Jake Wellings crotch in front of everyone. The guy's jeans were soaked through. Imagine, just picture it. One greasy hood, huffin' and puffin like the hulk, and getting spermed up by the naked asshole he's trying to pound on with his knuckles. It's too good. Well, Troy got belted so hard I think his daddy felt it. But the fucker managed to escape, and he ran outta Buck's with his dick in his hand. Can you believe these damn clowns, Ponyboy? You think he kept Baker's sperm pants on for the ride home?"

Ponyboy shrugs awkwardly as Two-Bit mutters to himself in contemplation over the whole thing.

"Shoot. Shoot. I had a point—right. The point is, kid, you gotta not be an idiot." And he points a finger at him with purpose. "Never get caught with your dick hangin' out for half of Tulsa to see and talk about. I don't care if the person sucks you off like a vacuum cleaner. Be smart."

He takes a puff of his kool and grins in amusement, pondering the finer details of his story.  
"So," he says, looking over at his auburn haired buddy, "what did you learn from your ol' pal?"

Ponyboy stands up slowly, and looks down at his sneakers before meeting Two-Bit's eye.  
"That I ain't ever gonna pick up girls with you again."


End file.
